I watched through the window, I did. I watched clouds through the window, and below. It looked like a dance, like you were dancing with me and I was watching us but with us and then sometimes it was as if there was no separation between us, and I thought that was because we must have loved one another very much.
What other things are like dances? I wasn’t thinking of those other things. But now, days later and from this void, I recall there was only one shadow. My shadow. Who was that little spark of light behind me, I now wonder.
When it replays like a film in my head, the not-a-dance, the whatever-it-was with that being, that light, that you behind me, it is clearer, even though we think of memories as hazy things, in retrospect. Or I am cloudier.
But look how it—how you — stand behind me. Are you a dancer, or are you an aggressor? I’m making theories after the fact, of course. I’ll probably never know who you are, or were, now.
I do remember the feeling, though, of being in those steps, and that’s from even another perspective, the perspective of the participant on the ground, on the rooftop, spinning in space, captivated by that light. What a little moth I was. What a little moth I may still be.
And you. When I turn to confront you, fragile, cornered, trapped and angry, there are Words. And I am not yet angry enough, not yet, to say many Words, but just this once, I tthink maybe I will say a few.
The clouds make us look so beautiful don’t they? But look at how I turn away from you, from this light being, this — are you a partner? Are you a ghost? — other, and I know that in this moment, I am changing something. Something big. Something fateful.
Something fateful. Yes, that’s it. I cannot be inside it now. Looking at it from the window is possible, but only for a moment.
I said No.
I said I cannot do that.
I said Now is not a good time.
And in that moment, in those eyes that were even then barely eyes but only flashes of light, the flash I saw was envy.
And then, the lights went out.
The lights never came back on.
You set me asunder, in the dark, and here I am in this cloud, looking through windows, through mist and memory, onto that scene, and it is the only scene I see, because I am severed and shattered and cast upon the wind while you, you have your distance and the empty space where I once was is only a little light you have put out, a little fragile thing that you think you have now happily rid yourself of.
But then I look at that scene again, and I see again that there is only one shadow.
I am the shadow.
You are the ghost.
I have the heartbeat, though for days at a time I do not want it.
You just turned off the light and left me in the dark, to remember that moment, over and over again.
From the Author: Do us all a favour. Don’t fuck with my friends.
Head: Genus Project, Baby Face
Skin: Ritual, Elspeth in Fantasy Tone Phyrra (This skin is a group gift at the Ritual Main Store)
Hair: Analog Dog (natch), Tuesday (At the Spoonful of Sugar Festival)
Eyebrows & Eyelashes: Adored, Adorabundle, September 2019 Edition (in the September Genus Powder Pack)
Eyeshadow: Velour, Deborah Eyeshadow (in the September Genus Powder Pack)
Lipstick: Velour, Talitha Lipstick (in the September Genus Powder Pack)
Eyes: Tone 2, Strong Presence Eyes (At the Spoonful of Sugar Festival)
Tears: LAQ, Falling Tears
Necklace: Rozoregalia, Alugim
Dress: Belle Epoque, Vera
Foot Ribbons: 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Giselle Leg Wraps (at the 1313 Mockingbird Lane Main Store)
Wand: Elemental, Spirit Magic Wand (At the Spoonful of Sugar Festival)
Photo setting: K&S, On The Rooftop
Poses: Nantra, Illuminati