Three Twisted Knots

Aoibheann visited me! Well, technically I dragged her to see me. I needed to talk to her in a space that wasn’t the Wylds. I needed her to remember that there’s a person, kind of, in here, and for her to be able to speak freely with me.

I think of Aoibh as my peer, but I don’t know how to get around the Queenly glamour in the Wylds. I cannot mask it or glamour over it the way I do here; that’s why I enjoy it so much here. Well, one of the many reasons, I guess. That, and jeans, and Chinese food and hot showers and the Internet and mobile phones and about a million other things that feel so new to me, all over again.

She has changed so much. I am sure she wouldn’t realise it. Or maybe she’d say she’s changed only on the inside. I don’t remember when I did the sketch of her that’s on the wall behind her here, but she looks so much younger and more innocent there than she does in the foreground. She didn’t comment on all the artwork, but then again, she wouldn’t.

I tried to make her comfortable and explain to her why I’d dragged her to Cranberry Cove. As a mortal, she seems overwhelmed by me in the Wylds, and I can’t have that if I’m going to ask her a serious question: it’s not fair.

I needed to talk to her about Ardan, to ask her if we could relocate him and make him our Court Tree. He is where Janus and I met, after all, all those months (months?) ago.

I expected resistance. I didn’t expect her to be terrified and defensive and almost combative. I guess it was refreshing. I know she cares about Ardan, and I know we were all horrible to her about it at first; I’m sure I wrote something in this journal suggesting she was in love with a tree. I’m so glad it’s worlds away from her usual place right now: there’s no way she would ever snoop around my flat here, is there? Well, anyway, my little (big, now, actually) book is safe for the moment.

I wasn’t able to calm her fears, and it was almost comforting, trying to persuade her and being unsuccessful. She said she’d think about it. I hope that doesn’t mean what it always meant when my mum (Mrs. Evans, not Lady Siansa) said that. Perhaps I’ll ask Janus to talk to her, though I don’t know if that would be fair, since I don’t think he’d be willing to come to Cranberry Cove for a summit with the mother of trees. I told her I would publicly name her a guest friend of the Court and that she would be able to visit Ardan any time, and that I would make it plain that nobody was to treat her with any less respect than they treated any noble of the Court.

I couldn’t figure out if it was other fae she doesn’t trust, or if she now worries I’ll be changing my feelings toward her and treat her as we do most mortals. She said that, embarrassing as a public ceremony and declaration would be, she wanted it, so that she would have some footing with other fae.

And I need to find an antidote for glamour. I need Aoibheann, need her in my life as a friend and not a follower. I don’t know how to talk to her when she’s just staring at my wings and almost flirting with me; it doesn’t feel right. Aoibheann tells me off; she doesn’t stare at me with glazed eyes and lose the ability to speak. When I get back to the Wylds, perhaps I’ll ask Helene if she knows any folk remedies for the effects of fae glamour. Of course there is that stuff called “fairy ointment” mortals can put over their eyes to get around glamour, but that wouldn’t work with me in the Wylds, because that is my true form. If anything, it might make things worse, since if she put the ointment on in Cranberry Cove, she would see a fae Queen interacting with mortals in a completely normal way, and that might really do her head in. Perhaps I could slip a question in to Valene down at the occult shop, see whether there’s an herbalist in town who might know how to produce such a thing. Something to think about.

I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk, even offered her some clothes, but in the end I think she was too overwhelmed by the conversation: she just asked to be taken home.

Oh, Aoibh. I love you so much. I hope we can find a way to make you see me as your friend and not some overwhelming creature. I don’t want to feel I’m manipulating you or using you in any way, and I certainly don’t want you to hate me when you get outside my sphere of influence. We’ll find a way.