Three Twisted Knots

I was so happy to see him! Nathaniel, Aoibheann, Senna, and I were all having a picnic by the bridge, when there he came, tromping up like he’d never been gone. I’m afraid I threw myself into his arms and never wanted to let go (even though I did).

He seems so raw and hurt about it all. I know I can’t take that away, and I upset him before we went back to the sithen. I had to yell at him to keep up with me and even then I think he was still upset. Even though I know it’s not about me, it hurts that I can’t make him feel better with just a stupid joke or a smile.

There were so many things I needed to talk to him about. I needed to tell him about the pictures, and the dreams, and I needed to tell him what Galaddan and Lady Siansa and I had talked about and see how we would bring about this plan so I could be in charge of my own destiny.

But the big news is, he and Aislyn have ended their relationship. Now, everybody I talk to seems to want to take a side in their dispute, and I’m just not going to do it. I love Blaise; he means the world to me and I would not be where I am without his caring, his understanding, and his love for me. Full stop. But I love Aislyn too, and I hope it will be OK for the two of us to still be friends, though I don’t know if she will stay here in Ashmourne or go back to her home. I don’t really even know where her home is. There are so many things I didn’t get to ask her.

So that’s the bottom line on that. I am not going to take sides, I am not going to support one person in dispute over the other. Blaise is my father, and that’s that, Aislyn is my friend and one of my teachers, and that’s that. Those things haven’t changed.

Renata and Lady Siansa came in while we were talking. Renata said it was wrong of me to spend so much time outside the sithen because I was putting myself in danger. She said she and Lady Siansa would sit on me to keep me at home. Lady Siansa suggested that maybe I should become responsible for Renata and she could go with me everywhere to protect me.

I like Renata a lot; I really do. But the thought of Renata chaperoning Nathaniel and me does not give me vast amounts of joy. In fact, it makes me want to throw things at her, and that would be a bad idea, because she would put a magical cap in my arse like that. Renata had to go do something — who knows what she gets up to sometimes — so we moved on to other stuff, but Lady Siansa still insisted it was a good idea. Blaise was on my side on this one; he said I shouldn’t have to take on his responsibilities. Well — I don’t mind taking on responsibilities, but I don’t necessarily want somebody with me 24/7 unless that person is Mr Nathaniel Ballard. Speaking of 24/7, that concept has completely lost meaning for me in that I no longer know what day it is. I have a vague idea that autumn is here because it’s chillier now and His Unseelie Majesty’s power is growing. But dates? I think it’s been about a year since the accident, but I thought that a while ago, too. Maybe it’s longer now.

Lady Siansa challenged Blaise when they talked about how to handle the next few (and by few I mean 78) years of my education. I was like, wow, she’s really sticking up for me, but then I was like, fuck, is she trying to be my mum or something? When I dropped the bombshell about my dreams, neither one of them seemed very surprised. Blaise told her she’d forgot her place. I spoke up and said she was the best teacher ever (because she is), and then I dropped another bombshell on them.

I volunteered to have my adult powers brought out. It was the only way I was going to be able to fight my own battles, I said, the only way. I even quoted Star Trek, because of course neither one of them have ever heard of Star Trek: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.” Well, showing myself as a security risk, even though it was an argument both Blaise and Aislyn used on me before, holds no weight with my father any more; he believes that he’s lost one child to the good of the sithen and he refuses to lose another, he says. I think Lady Siansa was on my side at that point.

Then, I thought I’d sway him by telling him how afraid I am, how King Gwythyr just tromps all over my dreams as if they were his to plunder, no matter how well hidden I am and how subdued my magical aura is. Then they both turned against me and insisted that I must remain a child a while longer. Even though Lady Siansa swore to get me through the chrysalis safely or forfeit her life, and I could feel that oath ring through the air as if reality itself were rearranging while she spoke. Blaise was so adamant he shouted. OK, he does shout from time to time, but he was really raw and upset.

And of course he was, because my timing sucks out loud. When I told him about seeing the flash of light when Nathaniel got blasted with life energy, he thought that must be the love bond, though I thought it was something more. When I told him about the pictures, he thought I must be creating them in my dreams. He said bringing me into my full power too early would be unbelievably dangerous, because he believes I’m going to be a very powerful Sidhe. And then he started talking to Lady Siansa about scrying. She wanted to know if I’d ever lost track of time while staring at a sunbeam. Well, duh: I’m very easily distracted; this happens to me all the time. I told her as much, and they exchanged knowing glances, so goddess knows what that means.

That’s where we ended the conversation. I know, though, that I’m going to have to convince him, convince them, somehow. Because I am tired, sick and tired, of being something, some thing everybody has to make deals around. I don’t want Blaise, or Valene, or anybody else to have to go out on a limb and put themselves in danger to keep me alive or to keep me free. I want to come in to my full power, I want my truename to change, and I will not stop until I get what I want.

Even if I have to do something unorthodox, something dangerous, to do it. I won’t stop.