I have two families now.
For someone whose life has revolved around words for most of its admittedly short duration, I have made a couple of masterful fuck-ups recently. Last night was one of them.
You see, it seems that when the Seelie say “anyone,” they really mean “anyone Seelie”. I should have paid more attention to all those YA paranormal romances and urban fantasies I read for mind candy during term breaks, because the Seelie are a right bunch of snobby toffs. But they’re my bunch of snobby toffs now, and I’m trying to mean that with affection and good humour.
Due to this denotative error regarding the word “anyone”, I brought my personal support team along last night. I really thought it was a very simple word, “anyone”, but one thing I’m going to have to learn very quickly is how to speak Seelie.
After introductions were made and some very nice things were said by Nathaniel (just forget things said by the other two), Nathaniel, Aoibheann, and Rachel were asked to leave and I was standing there alone with a bunch of people I don’t know at all, just knowing I had to be there.
I am not going to deny my fae existence and heritage for the found family that makes up my friends, nor am I going to deny my found family for the other, so I am going to have to compartmentalise now.
I won’t say anything more about that, but the complex dynamic of the family, whether it be the blood family I am only getting to know or the friends of the spirit I met in Jasper Cove, stymies me. My caretakers were just that: caretakers. They cared for me, I think they loved me, they taught me right from wrong and good from bad and how to tie my shoes, but there was never this level of drama with them. It’s the one thing I can smile about in response to those thoughtless questions I’m answering about them on a day to day basis now.
I swore my oath to the Seelie Queen last night. It was an overwhelming and transformation experience. I don’t really even know what to say about it. I willingly gave my loyalty to this place and these fae who are so — the way they are. I know I will never be able to change them. And as honoured and happy as I feel to be counted as one of them, I admit I hope I keep my human sense of friendship and at least some of my human sense of right and wrong. What concerns me now is the disdain with which at least one of them seems to hold me. I’ll try to find out more about that in the weeks and months to come.
Queen Saone herself was beautiful and amazing. I know she really sees me for who I am, really understands what’s in my heart. Who could fail to love and trust such a being of complete and utter goodness? It makes me laugh at myself now, to think I spent time being afraid of King Gwythyr, weirdly fascinated with him. I drew him for days. I have drawn Queen Saone too, but the sketches I’ve made of her cannot ever possibly do her justice. I have never met anyone so worthy of love and devotion.
To ease the mind of the invisible reader, this does not mean I have gone off Mr Nathaniel Ballard. Totally different thing.